It's all in the Chaotic family
by Vyce Dryke
Summary: It's the 41st millennium. The Imperium has fallen, what's there left to do? Host Reality TV of course. Meet familiar characters, old foes, new ones, and a new location, as the Misadventures crew gets thrown into the same house.
1. Episode 1: All In The Chaotic Family

**It's all in the (Chaotic) family**  
By Vyce Dryke

A Chaos Space Marine in familiar looking Black Power Armor with a crisp blood red trim is skulking about in front of a large two story house. Large about for about nine people or so. How convenient. This Chaos Space Marine, surprisingly alone, is one Lord Drake of the Black Draconis Chaos Space Marine Legion. One of the leaders and commanders of the Legion. The main cat, the cat's pajamas, the cat's knees, the fat cat, th-

"Shut up! I'm trying to think here!" bellows the Chaos Lord, glaring upwards, "Do you mind?"

Oh. I'm terribly sorry.

"And what's with you fascination with cats?"

I honestly have no idea.

"And it's the Bee's Knees for your information."

Right, can I continue?

"No, of course not. Why did I sign up for this reality show? All I've done so far is wait, wait, wait, and wait some more in front of this brick house... Thing," Lord Drake rants, "No cultist, no Dragonspit, no Tlanextic, and certainly no Chaos Dragons named Vyce. Accursed furries. This should be a vacation, like they said. I remember it like it was yesterday..."

Lord Drake pauses, nearly going cross-eyed as his vision blurs and goes fuzzy (Or maybe it was because he was going cross-eyed), and everything snaps back to normal with an interruption of-

"That's because it was yesterday, you moron," Comments a Female Dark Eldar, wearing a pink uniform and black trim, bearing the Heraldry of the Angels of Ecstasy, a Slaanesh Chaos Space Marine legion controlled by one Lord Corrack. Who can only be...

"Arafalas?" Drake says with a start, nearly jumping out of his armor, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"The same reason your here smarty. I'm representing my race for this show of sorts. Lord Corrack thought this would be hilarious." Arafalas says matter-of-factly

"Race? You mean The Confused?" The Chaos Lord asks with a snicker.

"No." sighs the Dark Eldar.

"French?"

"No," This time Arafalas sounds irritated

"Silica-"

"NO!" Shouts the furies femme dark eldar, twitching at the mere mention of the Silicates. A new race in the 40k, that, in its lack of grimdarkess, nearly destroyed everything after the Emperor fell, "I'm a Dark Eldar."

Lord Drake hmms, stares at Arafalas for a bit, looking a bit confused.

"You know... Eldar.. Slaanesh. Ring a bell?" Arafalas asks, twitching.

"I don't know what you re talking about. What are these Eldar? Do they bleed? I hope so. Maybe they're like those Protoss folk. I think they came first. Uhm. What's that one guy's name? You know.. god of war... something that Eldrad turned into..?"

"Khaine?" Arafalas offers.

"Oh! OH! THOSE ELDAR. Right. For some reason I was thinking of those guys with the pylons. I always hated that man who said I needed more pylons. There are never enough pylons." Drake muses, imagining himself smashing a pylon.

Arafalas sighs, this is the guy who is in charge of the legion that felled the Emperor? Maybe Tlanextic, Vyce, Dragonspit, and Rhuemwight should take more credit. They're the real brains behind the outfit. Well. If Rhuemwight was in one piece enough to have brains, and if Dragonspit wasn't consumed by Khorne. The Dragon and Tlanextic might be the real power in the operation. And they just removed Lord Drake from the picture temporarily. Arafalas shivers.

Drake seems lost in thought for a few more minutes, then perks up, "I totally knew that. So if I'm the rep for Chaos, and you re Dark Eldar.. Aren't there five other characters?"

"Yes?"

"Aren't we ripping of-" Drake starts before getting cut off.

"No." states the female, impatient.

"Why?"

"It's less retarded than the other parody ideas-ow!" Arafalas growls, turns, and pulls her weapon out, as she had been shot by a Pulse Rifle. Her eyes narrow, and she recognizes his blue foe. Or specifically his blue, armor covered foe, sporting a red/black scheme, "Tau!"

"Dark Eldar witch! It's not retarded." snaps the Fire Warrior, his insignia identifying him as part of the Command Crew of the Mont'ukos.

"Well 'The Terror', I'll have to say it is. You re still a failed idea." Retorts Arafalas

"Just like Lord Drake Misadventures 2!" shouts Mont'au, raising his pulse rifle.

"Hey! I resent that! Mr. Battle Spoon!" Lord Drake growls, powering up his chainaxe.

There is a loud physic sigh as a webway gate appears and activates literally right behind Lord Drake, and out steps a familiar Wraith Lord. he crosses his arms and glares, if a Wraith Lord could glare, so he just psychicly glares at the collected group of misfits.

"You lot stop now or I'll find something to retcon, and it won't be pretty," Drones the New Arrival, the Webway gate vanishing as if it didn't exist. Lord Drake blinks and pokes at the space, before leaning on it and falling over, as the webway gate was simply... gone.

Arafalas bristles, "Itsu Karandas? what makes you special enough to get a cameo?"

"He's the only Eldar character with a name who isn't dead or female," Drake starts, smirking, "You used to be the only Eldar character Arafalas, and then you went all Dark Eldar and Slaanesh, listening to My Chemical Romance and Depeche Mode."

Arafalas snorts, "What? I don't listen to My Chemical Romance or Depeche Mode. I listen to Green Day."

"And that's better?" Drake retorts.

The Dark Eldar looks defeated, "No..." he sighs, then looks up to the sky with a glare, raising a gloved fist, "Wherever the hell you are Vyce, I hate you!"

Lord Drake rolls his eyes, "Technically you can blame Naso."

"Well if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here in the first place, and neither would Naso."

"There's no escape from Naso." Itsu states.

"Whatever. I'd rather have my job back at Khaine's Waffle House. The Bloody Handed god made wonderful waffles." the Dark Eldar mumbles, obviously thinking about waffles and death. And whatever else Dark Eldar mumble about, maybe Linkin Park lyrics.

Itsu speaks up, "So, any guesses on the others? I literally have no idea. Orks first?"

"Azog?" Drake asks.

"This one time, at band cam-" Arafalas starts, snickering

"No!" shouts Drake, Itsu, and Mont'au at the same time.

"Fine. I'll just go listen to Panic! At the Disco. In the corner. Alone." Arafalas says, although he's starting to get tired of the music jokes about him being emo. Except Dark Eldar aren't emo, they ended the Eldar Galactic Empire just by partying and forgetting it's always a bad idea to start a party and not Invite Slaanesh. Even if he didn't exist yet, just by not being invited he had to create himself and start tearing things apart, and then had a party by devouring souls. Khorne was invited, but the invitation was returned with a Chainaxe to the face. Nurgle was not invited, because he could cause some unwanted diseases, and Tzeentch couldn't be reached because he was busy writing up his master plan (That plan of his he's still working on after the 5209502395325th draft, that's ever changing and has changed so much even Tzeentch forgot what the original point was about).

"Hey, we have another story going on here, no need for a tangent!" Drake growls.

Sorry.

Mont'au speaks up, "McCarrick maybe?"

"I think one cameo is enough." Drake states.

"Space Marines?" Itsu continues.

"Hah, likely the Leader of the Black Dragons Space Marines, Captain Ezra!" says Drake, swearing he could hear him right now.

"If I had eyebrows, I'd be raising them."

"Let me fix that." Drake says, pulling out a permanent marker from out of nowhere, "Now hold still."

The Chaos Lord Advances, Itsu stands for a moment and Drake leaps, landing on the bulbous 'head' of the Wraithlord. Itsu tries to bat him off, but Drake makes big circles for eyes, and wavy eyebrows.

"You'd look good with a unibrow." says the Chaos Lord, starting to draw the eyebrow and almost connecting them.

"GET OFF ME!" bellows Itsu, finally grabbing Drake and tossing him aside, although the point was moot, the damage was done. Itsu sighs, if a Wraithlord could sigh, "You.. You moron. For starters, Ezra is dead."

Ezra taps the Itsu's wraithbone leg, "Actually, it was only a flesh wound."

Drake twitches, "I'll kill you again! AND MAKE SURE YOUR DEAD!" he pounces, and the two Space Marines wrestle, chainweapons roaring. Itsu shakes his 'head'.

"No no, this won't do. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to Retcon this."

"Who else would be then? Kleppie?" Arafalas protests.

"Absolutely not, he stole my Railgun!" complains Mont'au, "And my trousers, and my little dog too."

"Tau have dogs?" Itsu ponders, "Interesting, I don't think that's canon. I might have to retcon that. I'll let it slide for now, I love dogs."

"Eldar don't have dogs either." points out Mont'au

"What?" Itsu sounded surprised. He pulls out a dusty, large tome from nowhere, the spine reading 'Warhammer 40,000: 5th Edition'. He scribbles a few notes here and then, and then closes it, "They do now."

"Give me that!" Arafalas shouts, wanting the secrets of the universe and to give Space Marines only a 6+ armor save, and to give Dark Eldar a 1+ Invulnerable Armor save, and a miniature giant space hamster named Boo with enough firepower to eat a Baneblade. Unfortunately that would be a copyright violation and GW would have to step in with a Retcon hammer.

The two start fighting, Mont'au stands there, dumbfounded, "Uhm. Guys? What about the Tyranids? The Necrons? The Orks?" there is a distinct humming in the air, seeming to buzz with electricity. The tell-tale signs of a teleporting Monolith, "Guys. I hear the Necrons!"

The fighting stops, the outline of the Monolith appearing.

"It can't be!" exclaims the Eldar Wraithlord, staring in awe. If he had eyes, best he had was those marker ones.

"I bet it's just the Igloo Necrons," says Drake with a dismissing wave, "They're harmless."

"It could be worse," Itsu comments blandly.

Suddenly, the Monolith finishes translation. And out appears a Necron, his metal parts coated in purple, wearing a pimp hat, and wielding a pimp cane.

"Sup bitches," states the Necron, Lord Drake blinks, recognizing him.

"It's the Pimp Stalker!" Drake shouts.

"The... what?" The rest ask, confused.

"One of Naso's Necrons, the Slaaneshi Demon must have brought him here for the show as a representative!" Drake explains.

"Haha. 'fraid not fat cat." says the Necron, sounding a little disappointed

"Here we go with the cats again." Lord Drake says, rolling his eyes.

"Whatchu talking 'bout Willis?"

"Nevermind."

"Okay. Well cats and kittens, that's Haco's job, and since the Chaos slot is already taken, he's not here." says the Stalker, leaning on his ivory cane, "Actually, I have another reas-" The Pimp stalker begins before being interrupted by a shrill metallic voice.

"It's them! See? They slighted me, embarrassed me, and then dismantled my monolith!" whines a Necron Lord, this one snow white.

"What's that?" responds the stalker, eying the others, "Hell naw. that's downright rude of y'all.

"Actually..." Starts Arafalas.

"...To be honest..." Itsu continues.

Mont'au finishes, "...it was totally Lord Drake."

The Pimp Stalker warily stares at the Chaos Lord, "Boy. I ought to pimpslap you with my pimpcane. You don't see me tearing apart your shamtastic ride. Fo'shizzle." he taps his cane loudly on the ground, waggling it at Lord Drake, "Now I'll leave my distant cousin here, scheduled for some reality sho' or some bad cat business."

The Igloo Lord grumbles, and the Purple Stalker whacks him with his pimp cane. "Quit your bitchin' boy, this is for entertainment. And you can get some form of revenge or another. Or so I would hope, with yo' craziness. Bai bitches."

And with that the Pimp Stalker, and his fancy monolith, vanishes. The group still around stare, rather confused.

"Well this is going to be interesting..." mumbles Ezra, stepping back and trying with all his might not to pull his chainsword and kill the Xenos scum.

"Where's the camera crew to record all this?" ponders Arafalas, looking around. A Camera Drone uncloaks and chirps.

"Oh great. They're invisible, Tau, and... everywhere. Tau Commies." Shouts Lord Drake, trying to jump at the Drone. He fails and crashes into the ground, the Drone vanishing again.

"And.. they're everywhere," Comments Mont'au, "Pick them up on my scanners. Speaking of, they're telling us the others are going to be late and to start grabbing rooms and get comfy, we're going to be here for a while."

The group nod, promise not to kill each other for now and shuffle into the two story house....


	2. Episode 2: New Arrivals

**It's all in the (Chaotic) family 2**  
By Vyce Dryke.

Cut back to the story in progress, which hopefully is still in progress. We -do- want updates after all yes?

Lord Drake is seen in his room, the flags and heraldry of Khorne and that of Black Draconis are everywhere. His desk, chair, bed, and his computer is made completely out of skulls (How the computer works is beyond even the imaginings of Tzeentch, not that he could touch it anyway, Khorne always was ready to deliver a chainaxe to the face. Always ready, all the tim-AUGH!)

"I know your there camera drone! You're everywhere! EVERYWHERE!" Lord Drake bellow, flailing with his chainaxe roaring, managing to hit a Camera Drone, which sputters and crashes in to the floor.

"I don't think the Producers would approve of that..." Ezra comments dryly, standing at the door frame of Drake's room, debating whether or not it's a good idea.

Drake stops poking at the fallen Camera Drone, and looks up at Ezra, "Like I care! We're in the Grim Darkness or the Far Future! They should expect this sort of thing."

"I'm sure," Ezra comments, rolling his eyes.

"I'm.. positive.." The Chaos Lord says, suddenly picking up a Russian accent.

The Black Dragon Space marine shakes his head, "Why did you say it like that?"

"Because I want to be... shocking." replies Drake, with the same accent. Ezra, instead of bothering to say anything else, rolls is eyes and walks away. An active camera drone appears to be following him, "I can't help but feel the attention is away from me! This can't be happening! It can't be!"

Lord Drake tries to leave the room, and the steel door to him room slams in front of his face.

"Did anyone get the license number on that Rhino?" Drake asks weakly.

Ezra walks past room, looking stereotypically Space Marine. Spartan, a simple bed, closet, and locker large enough to hold space marine armor, including the Black Dragons insignia, which is that of a dragon head, same as Black Draconis, the Flag being that of a dragon and "Draconis" written on the banner it carried. Although, it should be noted that his chapter is (allegedly) dead, and it's a surprise that there is a Space Marine around at all. Although it should be noted that without the Imperium and the original chapters shattered and scattered, they're still alive and kicking. Waiting to get revenge on Chaos, as Holy Terra is now Unholy Terra.

Ezra growls, "Thanks for reminding me."

Your welcome. I love spreading joy and che-

"That was sarcasm," grunts the Space Marine captain.

The Wraith Lord Istu walks by at this point, and cock his head, "Are you talking to yourself?"

"No," snorts Ezra, "I'm talking to the narrartor, or the author, or whatever the hell he is."

Istu's tone turns menacing, "So your breaking the fourth wall?"

Ezra huffs, "And if I am?"

"That's grounds for a retcon."

"Why is it always retconning with you?"

"I love my job."

"Your job?"

"Were you not around when Eldrad di-"

"I was dead," Ezra says with a sigh, cutting of Istu, "I was dead at the time. I failed... I.. failed the Emperor." he lowers his head.

At this point Drake finds his way out of his room, "It was funny. Tlanextic turned into a birdman Tzeentchi Daemon Prince and ripped him a new one. And then we made a puppet out of his armor! The Chaos Dragon delighted playing with hit new toy."

"You and your pet try my patience Chaos Scum!" Roars Ezra, already pulling out his chainsword.

"Patience? Haha. Your Emperor is dead fool! i can try your patience all I want. You have Fehled teh Empra-" Drake starts before getting knocked over by an enraged Ezra.

"You DARE defile his name!" Ezra says, "I'LL CUT YOU IN TWO!"

Lord Drake grins, blocking what would have been a fatal blow with a Chainsword with his Chainaxe, "Have you ever considered a career as a Khorne Berserker?" he taunts.

"HERESY!" Ezra hisses.

"COMMUNISM!" comes a gruff, orky voice.

"With a side of tartar sauce., says a much more alien voice.

There are two new arrivals, one, a towering and crazed looking Ork. The other appeared to be a monsterous Hive Tyrant with wings and plenty of arm scythes. With.. A top hat and a monocle.

"Tartar sauce tastes like foul xenotic heresy!" shouts Ezra.

"Is that even a word?" the Hive Tyrant chips in.

"It should be! Eat chainsword!" Ezra screams before leaping at the Hive Tyrant. before suddenly stopping in mid-air.

A Dark Female voice cackles, "My my. I didn't think that would work," grins Arafalas

"I... can't... move..." stutters the shocked Space Marine

"Why didn't you do that earlier? Drake complains, glaring at Arafalas.

"Because I don't like you," snickers the Dark Eldar. "And unlike Lord Corrack, I'd be very happy to see you dead. And since he's not here and I shouldn't possibly do it myself, it can still be by proxy."

"Oh great. So I have an emo space elf trying to kill me, a Space Marine doing the same. Could this possibly be any worse?" groans Lord Drake

"Well now that you mention it," The Igloo Necron steps out from his chilly lair, I want to kill you too."

Lord Drake snorts, "Igloo Necron is a mouthful. Isn't there something else we could call you?"

The Necron Glares, "No. But that's not important anyway!"

Drake tries anyway, "Igloo, Glacier, Ignatius."

"Ignatius is volcanic rock you moron," points out the Tyranid.

Lord Drake brightens up, like he had an idea (That can't be good for anyone), "That's it! Iggy!"

Iggy looks horrified, "Oh no. No. No. Never." he pauses, looks up, "Not you too author!"

The Hive Tyrant sighs and clawfaces, Arafalas cackles, the Ork starts laughing, Ezra sighs while still hanging in midair, and the author is beginning to think he has too many characters on the same screen.

Drake grins, "Now that that's settled."

The igloo necron.. *ahem* Iggy, curses in the background in whatever language Necrons speak, probably binary. 1010101011101010!!!00))!12100?

"That's not binary!" growls the Igloo Necron.

Oh.

Istu shakes his head, and turns to the newcomers, "I would assume that the both of you are our new arrivals?"

"And hopefully final. I'm tired of xenos scum. If I had the chance I'd k-AUGH!" Ezra twitches while in the air.

Arafalas cackles, "Aww. It's like I always wanted. A pet Space Marine, I'll enjoy breaking you."

"I cannot allow this," steps in Istu.

"You and what army?"

Istu pulls out his long Wraithsword, letting it thump onto the expensive carpeting. Which was moot to have since we're hosting a 40k Reality show. Blood was going to be getting into the carpet, despite the polite signs saying 'Please do not bleed on the carpeting. If your going to cut yourself or others, please do so in the bathroom or on the tile or wooden floor.'

"This one," says the Eldar, seeming smug.

"The tangent or your sword?"

"My sword. And what did I say about the fourth wall?"

Drake hrmms, "Aren't you technically breaking your own rule by acknowledging there is a fourth wall?"

Istu snorts, a strange noise for a Wraith Lord, "I'm an Eldar Retconner, I'm above the law."

The Hive Tyrant ahems.

"I'll deal with you later Dark Eldar," Istu says, looking towards the Hive Tyrant and the Ork, "Now who are the new arrivals. I recognise you, but otherwise introduce yourself."

"I'm Sawblade, obviously a Tyranid." explains the Tyrant, adjusting his monocle.

"Xenos scu-AUUGH!" Ezra is shocked again.

"Quiet you." snaps Arafalas.

Sawblade grins, "I hail from a Hive Fleet, it's name too complicated for mere mortals."

Drake looks confused, "Hive Fleets name themselves?"

"Of course. Leviathan and Kraken are mere mortal names for the tendrils of our Master." Sawblade answers, rubbing his talons together.

"Aren't you supposed to be a mindless minion to the Hive Mind?" Istu asks.

"If I was, would I be wearing this hat and my monocle?" The Hive Tyrant Challenges.

"Touche."

"So it isn't an evolution mandated by the hive mind?" Drake blinks, amazed.

Sawblade cants his head to the side, "No. Why would it do that?"

Drake shrugs.

"And I'z Warboss McCarrick. I'z sure you gits have heard of McCarrick's Mercenaries?" Barks the Warboss.

The Chaos Lord headtilts, "Doesn't ring a bell."

Arafalas turns from dragging Ezra away, "...I love that show! It's better than that other, terrible show."

"Wot show is dat?" Carrick asks.

"Lord Drake Misadventures."

Istu slams his sword into the ground again, "That's a HUGE breach of the fourth wall, I'll have to retcon that."

Istu 'hums' and Arafalas, McCarrick, and Drake look confused.

Arafalas looks spacey for a few minutes, "What was I talking about?"

"Sausage." suggests Lord Drake.

Awkward silence.

"...Anyway," Interrupts McCarrick, "I'm surprised to see the high and mighty Chaos Lord without his Sorceror or Dragon."

"I can run the legion without them! My legion would crumble without me! I started it! I started everything." Lord Drake shouts out loud, despite the Warboss being right there.

"I'll show you the leftover rooms.." notes Istu, while Lord Drake rant and raves about things.


	3. Chapter 3

It's All In the (Chaotic) Family 3 By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

We now return you to you re regularly scheduled It's All In the (Chaotic) Family...

We find our mismatched group outside, or at least a few of them.

"Look you git, wot I'm sayin' is dat once you get out there, all ya need ta do is smash, smash, and do more smashing." shouts the Cybork McCarrick.

"So what happens if he gets back up?" ask an attentive Lord Drake taking notes.

"Well. Den ya smash 'em again 'ntil he doesn't get back up." The Crazed Inquisitor Ork insists, "Wait a moment. Why the 'ell am I explaining this to ya?"

"Well, I'm an undercover Imperial spy, remember?" Drake says quickly, hoping that'll trick the Cybork. The Ork stares the Chaos Lord down. Drake is hoping to Khorne that McCarrick is either oblivious or doesn't care about the Imperium that fell.

"You don't look like one," says the Warlord, slowly, "And aren't the humies out of business?"

"Uh. No. You see, we're gathering out strength and preparing to take back the galaxy!" Drake says.

"I don't know. Youz look like one of dem spiky boys." the Cybork says, and then shrugs, "I'll give you a good smashin' lat-"

The Cybork is interrupted by a scream. Both the Ork and the Chaos Lord look over to Ezra. Ezra shrugs, just standing there on the porch, seeming to be ready to ambush someone (probably Arafalas). Iggy is in the swimming pool with Istu (Although it's a marvel of Eldar engineering to both be able to function in water AND look stylish in a bathing suit in a machine that reminded Lord Drake of a Dreadnought). The Igloo Necron has waterwings on and appears to be struggling in the deep end, oblivious to the fact he's basically a zombie robot and shouldn't care about drowning. Maybe his Necron Masters, the Star Gods, thought it would be amusing to instill a deathly fear of deep dark waters, just as it amused them to create Igloo Necrons.

Anyway, that whole screaming thing, Arafalas is seen running outside of the house. Ezra jumps to tackle and misses.

"I broke a nail!" Arafalas screeches, complaining. The assembled group breathes a sigh of relief, if anything could scare a Dark Eldar, it could be a great threat.

"Wot? Dats it?" McCarrick asks, agitated.

"Oh, and there might be Warp Beasts and Grotesques," Arafalas comments dryly, carefully inspecting her nails.

Lord Drake blinks, "That doesn't sound good," the chaos lord reaches for his chain axe and... finds it missing, "What the devil?"

The Ork laughs, "Hehehe. The spiky boy without his choppa?"

"Quiet you!" snaps Drake

"Orsk don't need weapons, we ARE weapons." McCarrick snorts and laughs as a Warp Beast leaps from the porch into the air. The large Ork catches the beast midair and tosses the thing on the ground and stomps on it, "See?" The Chaos Space Marine snorts.

"I'll show you a thing or two. Think you re going to help Dark Eldar?" Lord Drake looks to Arafalas.

"I think I'll just stay here and watch you all die." the female cracks a grin, watching as the Dark Eldar Grotesques walk out, bodies scarred and broken, the sanity in their eyes seeming to have left them, too much time spent indulging in pain and pleasure to the point that neither effects them anymore.

Nearby, at the pool.

Istu makes a robotic sigh, "Oh don't tell me somebody unleashed horrible monstrosities on my watch? I'm supposed to be on vacation."

The Necron flails in the kiddy pool, "Help! I think I'm drowning! I'm rusting! Anyone? Anywhere?" Istu sighs, if he had eyes he'd roll them, or he used to. Better alive than dead eaten by Slaanesh.

"You are not going to drown; you re like a robot zombie pirate ninja." Istu comments with amusement as he strides out of the deep end he was merely -standing- in.

"But I'm not a pirate like Dark Eldar, or a ninja because I'm not stealthy." Iggy comments, "Look, could you help me?"

Istu sighs and lifts the Necron out of the kiddy pool and drops him next to it, the Igloo Necron promptly slinks away, and then stops. "You saved my life! How can I ever repay you? I'm in your debt."

Istu grumbles, "No, you re not in my debt." there's a howl coming from the direction of the front porch, "And we have more important things to worry about at the moment. Particularly Arafalas and her army that came from nowhere which I'm sure he mostly wants to use for revenge on Lord Drake."

"How did you know?" asks an impressed Igloo Necron.

"I can hear her from here nitwit," snaps Istu, striding from the pool and brandishing his Wraithsword, a confused looking Iggy sighs.

"What would the Pimp Stalker do?" Ponders the Necron, who is sure the Pimp Stalker would show up with his pimp cannon and start pwning some biatches. So he must do the same too, but... "Wait for me!" shouts Iggy, running towards the Wraith lord.

Back at the front porch.

"You know, I always thought these guys would be tasty," comments Sawblade, splitting a grotesque open with his massive scything talons, "But I bit into his arm and it tasted like molasses, and an upstanding Hive Tyrant like me can't live on Molasses, no sir."

"Stop talkin' and keep kill'n," bark the Cybork, "These boyz shure are weird, I knock 'em down, and then theyz get up again. Even if I rip off their arms, they just want more."

"More is what they'll have!" Shouts a bloodthirsty Lord Drake, having now acquired his chain-axes, or so he thinks, when really all he has is a chain toothpick. How the difference eludes the Chaos Lord, nobody knows.

"Haha. Silly human, your toothpicks don't scare me," taunts a Dark Eldar.

"These aren't toothpicks! Axes!" Drake leaps, eyes shut, and the toothpicks collide and start whining.

Coincidentally, at the same time, a massive wraith sword slams into the Grotesque, killing it instantly.

"I got him!" shouts Drake, opening his eyes and ignoring the Wraithsword lodged into the Grotesque's spine.

"No, I got him." Istu notes, pointing to his Wraithsword

"I got him!" Insists Drake, poking his toothpicks at the Wraithlord

"I got him!" says Istu, ripping his sword out of the Grotesque

"Ladies, ladies..." quips Sawblade, stalking towards Arafalas, the grotesques dispatched in some unpleasant manner or another, bodies strewn across the field, even the Igloo Necron scored some kills.

Arafalas smirk fades quickly as the Hive Tyrant nears.

"Wait! Wait! Those aren't mine!" Arafalas says quickly.

"You are the only Dark Eldar here, and you said you'd rather us die." says Lord Drake, drawing near.

"I was kidding, really." says Arafalas, looking frightened as the Cybork Inquisitor.

"I dun' take kindleh ta no pansiez" says the Ork, "or communeztz, nuffin' worse den a comieh"

"So what do we do with her?" Istu ponders out loud.

"Imprison her and chain her up?" Ezra suggests

"I'd like that too much." taunts Arafalas before covering up her mouth

"Point made, therefore I'm locking you up in a room with..." Istu starts and a drum roll starts, "A speaker and camera system so that Lord Drake can watch you and make you squirm for hours for his own amusement.

DUN DUN DUNNN!

"Nooooooo! Anything but that!" shrieks Arafalas, being dragged kicking and screaming back to the house.

"And you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... A HERRING!" exclaims Lord Drake.

DUN DUN DUNNN!

"Isn't that a bit excessive?" Istu asks.

"There isn't even a forest for miles around here," Sawblade comments, looking around.

DUN DUN DUNNN!

"Then we'll have to improvise! Hold still Sawblade." Lord Drake says, leaping towards the Hive Tyrant

DUN DUN DUNNN! 


	4. Chapter 4

It's All In the (Chaotic) Family 4 By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

Welcome to another entry of It's All In The Chaotic family. We're here to give you a quick introduction of our current residents, and tidbits of information on the current situation in our universe.

Lord Drake: Lord Drake Hails from Black Draconis, the Chaos Space Marine Legion infamous for starting a war that ended with Holy Terra becoming Unholy Terra and is now occupied by Daemon, Dragon, and Human alike, and anyone unfortunate enough to be loyal to the Emperor, despite rumors that he may have Ascended and is a Chaos God now. But that's not important and doesn't affect the current plot. His hobbies include BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! Collecting skulls, sharpening his chain-axe, and playing Poker on Draconis Poker Night.

Arafalas: Arafalas is a female Dark Eldar who used to be Male Eldar who worked for Khaine's Waffle House. On a fateful day Lord Drake visited and drove the poor guy crazy after being part of the Misadventures cast before the series ended. Following this, Arafalas plotted against Lord Drake, and as punishment he became Naso's slave and well... He came back as a She and a Slaaneshi Dark Eldar. From there he *ahem* I mean she joined Lord Corrack's Legion, the Angels of Ecstasy. She likes Pi a Coladas and being caught in the rain.

Ezra: Ezra is the sworn rival of Lord Drake, or at least, one of two (Drake insists Versian is a rival but Versian insists that someone so heretical can't be so, but more of a adversary). He is the current leader of the former Black Dragons, a Chapter born during the cursed founding and the technical founding chapter of Black Draconis. Despite being revived mysteriously, he still has it against the current state of the universe and would prefer things to be back to where they were and swears that the galaxy and the now dying Imperium will be restored. Ezra has no hobbies, other than Xenos and Heretic slaying.

Sawblade: Sawblade is a Tyranid, or more specifically a Hive Tyrant. The fleet he hails from doesn't appear to have any name, or the Imperium isn't around to give it a name and Chaos is too lazy because they're all Tyranids whether they had a name or not and there were rumors of Naso having an alliance with this particular Hive Tyrant, which may give the Daemon Prince an edge in the War of the Four Fathers, what the gods call "the great game". Sawblade is a winged variant, and usually is seen with a top hat and a monocle. He hates the words Bork, Bug, and cock-a-roach. AKA Father Nidmas.

Iggy: Iggy is a 'Igloo Necron' who is famous for being an incompetent fool who makes all of his vehicles and equipment out of ice. It's not known which C'tan he follows, but none of them currently try to lay claim to the tomb world he came from. Although rumor has it his tomb world awoke and a indigenous race of blue people were eradicated. We cannot verify if these were the Smurfs, the Na'vi from Avatar, or the Blue Man Group. Iggy is afraid of water for whatever reason and is the Pimp Stalker's Biatch on weekends. He rides a scarab as his steed into battle.

Istu: In the grim darkness of the far future, there are only retcons. There is little known about Istu, even which Craftworld he came from, what he was before he was a Wraith Lord, and if his favorite color is green. While those are a mystery, it is known that he consorted with Eldrad Uthran before his 'death' and then his 'second death', we're not sure if he's going to come back as a zombie, but we're very sure there's a 'final death' coming to a theater near you. Rumor whispers that it might have something to do with ending the Twilight series once and for all. We can only hope. Istu took Eldrad's job at the Games Workshop retconner, and thanks to Lord Drake has permanent marker circle eyes on his head... frame. The current status of the Eldar are unknown, likely hiding like usual.

McCarrick: This Cybork, for whatever reason, is convinced he's a Imperial Inquisitor, and affiliates himself with his boyz and the Tau that are part of 'McCarrick's Mercenaries'. They've recently been involved in several musicals and saved Three Dog's life several times over. Their current plans as a group are unknown, and we're not even sure how he got this part. I think the executives were threatened with Exterminatus and somebody said something about someone named 'Ivantie' but said somebody vanished seconds later after everyone turned around. Whoever killed Bob must be a super-assassin.

And without further ado, back to your regularly scheduled Lord Drake Mis-WAit, someone messed with he teleprompter again. I'm sorry, back to your regularly scheduled It's All In the (Chaotic) Family.

Lord Drake awakens with a start, rubbing his forehead and staring ahead in the direction of the "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, JOIN TODAY OR BE CLEAVED IN HALF." propaganda poster, it's not very stimulating, but it gets the point across. Lord Drake had a nightmare where he was leading the legion by himself, crushing his foes, only to be interrupted by Vyce and Tlanextic stealing all the glory to themselves, and then having some bizarre Blood Orgy horrible enough for Khorne to cry manly tears! Then the newbies arrived with their shouting of OP! OP! OP! and whining about how Space Marines were actually giant space chickens and the Emperor was back and he ate Space Marines for breakfast. It was horrifying!

Drake was also having RWS (Rhuemwight Withdrawl Syndrome). and desperately needed something or someone to slay, or at least explode in a fountain of blood. Btu Rhuemwight wasn't here, and it's been way too quiet around here for something to slay that wasn't a cast member, and unlike his idol Kh rn, he wasn't allowed to maim burn kill during the commercial break. The Chaos Lord also needed a kill counter too, so th-

"What the hell is that sound?" Drake shouts, as suddenly things got very loud, so loud in fact, that he couldn't hear anything. It had a distinct sound, something like a -

Outside

"- starship around here? I thought this place was barred off?" Istu complains, a very familiar Battleship landing in the front lawn. Come to think of it, where was here? There was nothing for miles. Empty Daemon World? Underground Ex-Imperial base? Slaanesh's palace of Pleasure? Khorne's closet? Does it even matter?

Lord Drake stumbles out as the massive ship lands, joining the others standing outside and staring. It was a Chaos Vessel with a Black finish, edges trimmed with a blood red, and the ships' designation was BSS Dragon's Haste.

"Oh no," sighs Ezra, recognising the ship. Arafalas sighs and palmfaces, Istu has the retcon cannon ready (New GW technology! Retcon your enemies, retcon your friends! You too can have you own Retcon cannon for the low, low price of 1,000,000,000 credits. Use the same technology used to wipe out the Squa-AUUU-***commercial transmission interrupted***), Iggy stares like a Necron, and Sawblade is seen gnawing on an annoyed looking McCarrick's arm.

A massive landing ramp melts from the side of the ship and slams into the ground, catching on Sawblade's tail. And a squad of Chaos Marines walks down the ramp and fan out. A larger Chaos Marine stands at the top of the ramp, looking like a leader, commander, a champion.

"You maggots landed us on the wrong planet!" hissed Dragonspit, firing a round from his combi-bolter and killing the nearest Chaos Space Marine, "Where the hell are we? I'm supposed to be conquering former Imperial Worlds and I'm.. Oh no."

"Oh no? We land on a planet, ripe to be conquered and you say oh no? Why in Tzeentch's nam-" says a angry Sorcerer, walking to the top of the landing bay, decked in black armor, red trim, and the livery of a Sorceror of Tzeentch. He stops talking when his gaze goes past Dragonspit, the Dead Chaos Marine, the squad, and eventually on Lord Drake, "Oh no. No. No. No. Get the Chaos Marines back in here, close the landing ramp before it clicks in his head and he recognizes us."

Lord Drake stares blankly up at the group for a few moments, looks to his similarly painted armor, and back up to the both of them, the look on his face seeming like he's coming up with an idea, "Wait a minute. Tlanextic?"

"No, no... Uhm. I'm Ahriman, yes." Tlanexitc says quickly

"Your not Ahriman, Ahriman is a midget," Drake says, narrowing his eyes.

"You can't fool the rest of us Sorcerer," says Ezra, spitting on one of the Chaos Marine's boot. Istu phases out his weapon, and Iggy sighs and walks back into the house. Arafalas grins widely, just standing back and observing.

"So you have to be Tlanextic, and there's Dragonspit," Drake finally says, smirking triumphantly.

"No, lies. Lies lies lie-" Tlanextic hisses, tapping his staff on the floor.

"Well, as much as this is a mistake, this might actually be fun," comes another voice, this one obviously not human, marine, xeno, or otherwise. A Chaos Marine with the same armor walks into view, giving Tlanextic a shove. This warrior was no human or space marine, or xeno. This warrior was a Anthropomorphic Black Dragon with sharp ruby eyes, and was no regular soldier, "Don't you think Tlanextic? I think reality TV would be fun."

"Stop interrupting me dragon," says Tlanextic, shoving back, "Let's get out of here as soon as possible so we can go back to truly leading the legion and taking over the galaxy before the others do."

"No, I love seeing you suffer," says the dragon, skipping down the loading ramp, "Just like some other people I can mention, like TBG." he giggles, pouncing Ezra.

"Get off of me you accursed chaos-spawn!" hisses Ezra

"Aw, Ezra, I thought you'd be happy to see me again!" he blinks, narrowing his eyes, "Wait a minute, I thought Tlanextic killed you."

"So did I." Istu says firmly, picking up the dragon by his neck, "Fancy meeting you again Vyce, so soon."

"Istu." Vyce says slowly, "You aren't still sore about Eldrad being dead are you? Mind putting me down before I burn something off? Nice decorations by the way, you're missing the dopey smile."

Istu sighs and drops the dragon, "Yeah yeah. I technically have you to blame for my status, but I'm stuck here retconning for reality TV."

"Does anyone even watch TV these days?" Vyce asks, hmming, "Better yet, whose in charge of this show?"

Everyone shrugs, looking away, nobody knew.

"My lord, I hope you fare well," says Dragonspit breaking the silence and bowing some to Lord Drake, "We're been out conquering in your stead."

"I can see that. Excuse me, I need to talk to the Sorcerer," growls Drake

"Of course my lord," Dragonspit says, gesturing to the squad standing around to keep watch at the ramp, some of the turrets on the broadside of The Dragon's Haste tracking the 'targets' on the ground. Arafalas steps in the way.

"Move." growls Drake.

"I think not," insists Arafalas, "Not until you kis-"

"I said move!" he shoves Arafalas out of the way, knocking Sawblade over and freeing his tail, walking up the ramp and glaring at his Sorceror, "You landed me here, didn't you?"

"What? You signed up for it, remember?" Tlanextic says slowly, "Not to mention we were told to not be here and be allowed to go out and do what we want."

"Conquering worlds in your names!" hisses Drake.

"Of course not, we're doing that in Black Draconis's na-"Tlanexitc pauses, looking at the Chaos Dragon, "VYCE!"

Vyce looks up, Sawblade cursing as he's yet again knocked over.

"I've had enough of this!" Sawblade shouts, tossing Vyce aside and quickly evolving a barbed strangler, firing it and catching Vyce in a net of the weapon, turning quickly and doing the same to Arafalas.

"Won't that kill them?" Istu notes, watching the vines close over Vyce and Arafalas.

"Does it matter?" asks the Hive Tyrant, "Besides I think it takes mor ethan that to kill off a Chaos Dragon, and Arafalas would problably get turned on or something nasty. However I now claim this show in the name of the Hive Mind, allow me to contact the fleet!" Sawblade stares at the sky, nothing happens.

Ten minutes later.

"Come on! Come to papa Sawblade!"

Hours later.

Sawblade sighs, sitting down in the ground, "For some reason I'm receiving no answer. Strange." Lord Drake and Co. shrug, Itsu makes what sounds like a snort or a smirk, if that's even possible.

"You would think the network would allow a Hive Fleet to invade? I don't think so," Itsu says, sounding smug as if he knew something, "The network is here to amuse others, and it won't be amused if the show ends before it even goes anywhere."

"Right, this was a waste of time, we'll be leaving," announces Tlanextic, Dragonspit ordering the squad up the ramp, "Vyce!"

The chaos dragon is seen gnawing on Iggy, "What?"

"We're leaving." repeats Tlanextic.

"Aw, so soon? I was trying to figure out why this Necron tastes like Ice Cream."

"I'm an Igloo Necron! I'm menacing! FEAR ME!"

"I can't fear a Necron that tastes like Ice Cream."

"Are you sure you're not part Tyranid Vyce?" inquires Sawblade, eying the dragon suspiciously, "You seem to be trying to nibble on a lot of things."

Vyce blinks, snorts, and shakes his head, "No, just a hungry Chaos Dragon, nothing to see here." he then goes to pounce Lord Drake, gives his face a big slurp, and then leaps over to the landing land, bowling over Rhuemwight as he goes into the battleship"

"Make sure that when your conquering things, do it in MY name!" hisses Drake as the ramp closes and The Dragon's Haste takes off, "Wait.. they left me behind. GET BACK HERE!"

Lord Drake tries futilely to leap up at the ship, and as it leaves an Imperial Guard Valkyrie land, and out hops a Cadian, followed by a Sister of Battle.

"Did anyone order for takeout?" asks the Cadian, eying the others. 


	5. Chapter 5

It's All In the (Chaotic) Family 5 By: Vyce Dryke, 2010

"Did anyone order for takeout?" asks the Cadian, eying the others.

"Takeout?" Drake asks, blinking.

"What's she doing here?" demands Ezra, looking at the Sister of Battle.

"One thing at a time," insists the Imperial Guardsman, "Takeout.. For a..." the he looks at a cue card, "Lord Drake?"

"I didn't order any takeout." protests the Chaos Lord

"Yeah, it was from a cer-" The Sister of Battle coughs and interrupts the Guardsman, the Cadian looks nervous, "Look, it doesn't matter, it was paid by someone else for you. Are you ready for it?"

"I guess," Drake says, not noticing the Sister of Battle lifting her fist, which appeared to be glowing and powered, "Where is it?"

"Right here!" says the Sister of Battle, punching Lord Drake in the face. The Chaos Lord doesn't seem phased.

"You know, if Corrack was here, he would have made a joke about fisting," Drake says plainly.

"You can't hit him again, company policy and rules state th-" starts the Imperial Guardsman.

"Screw the rules, I have a flamer," The Sister of Battle punches Drake again, who again isn't bothered. She growls and produces her flamer, bathing Lord Drake in holy promethium.

"Oh, the pain. I think that tickles," says Drake blandly, suddenly wearing a helmet, "I'm singing in the flames, just singing in the flames.

"Baneblade. Now." Hisses the Sister of Battle

"But it's still in orbit!" protests the Cadian

"I intend to do this. To date we have never failed on a takeout order!" she huffed, "I don't care how, drop the damn thing." the Cadian mumbles something into his comm system.

"Stand clear," warns the Cadian, as a small shadow starts to appear over Lord Drake, getting larger. The only few outside at the moment was Drake, the Sister of Battle, the Cadian, Ezra, and Arafalas. They all step back except for Drake.

"Huh? Why are you guys moving?" Drake asks, "And why is that shadow getting bigger?" he looks upwards, "Oh for the love of Khor-" is all he's able to say before he's flattened by a Baneblade.

"We can leave now." stated the Sister of Battle plainly.

"But what about the Baneblade?" asks the Cadian.

She shrugs, "I don't know, do what you always do, turn it into the plushie."

"You've got the wrong Cadian." he says, crossing his arms.

"Of cou-What? How can I tell the difference? You all look the same!" grumbles the Sister of Battle, "Then lets just leave it here."

"That's against regulation!" protests the Cadian, and then quiets down when he gazes into the barrels of her flamer, which was very close to his face, "Yes ma'am." he'd be shot for sure.

"Icera, wait!" Ezra says, walking up to the female sister of battle, she twitches.

"Never call me that name!" growls the Sister of Battle, 'What do you want, Captain? I already told you your mutations would cause your downfall, and now look! The Imperium is in rubbles and reduced to being hitmen and assasins, and I just had the pleasure of destroying the man that started all of this."

"It's only a flesh wound!" shouts Drake, muffled from under the tank.

"Oh shut up, you'll be dead any moment now."

"He is a Space Marine Icera." says Ezra, "I'd rather finish himself off myself though."

"Heh heh. You said finish off," Laughs Arafalas.

"You can't kill me!" shouts Lord Drake, "It requires a musical dance number performed by Michael Jackson! AND HE'S DEAD."

"Too soon!" grumbles the Cadian.

"Too soon? He died 38 millenniums ago," snorts the Sister of Battle, walking over to the Baneblade, "Not to mention your a main character, there is no possible way to kill you is there?"

"Well unless you are a pedophile with a penchant for music, had way too many plastic surgeries and the king of pop, then no." Drake notes, crawling out from beneath the Baneblade wreckage, "Although admittedly I'm not Rhuemwight, I don't respawn, but good luck killing me."

"But.. What can I do?" Complains the Sister of Battle.

"Nothing," says Ezra sadly, "You can't kill him."

"Instead, you should kill Ezra, or if it makes you feel better you can kill one of my pieces of Misadventures Merchandise or T-shirts," says Lord Drake, a stall appearing from nowhere, "We have life-sized Drake, miniatures Drake, Drake the T-shirt, Misadventures the lunch box. Even tickle me Drake! But that's not al-"

Istu knocks the stall over, "New orders from the producers, no selling on company grounds, "

"Nooooo! DRAKE JUNIOR!" shouts Arafalas, jumping into the broken stall and digging through, hugging a life-sized version of Lord Drake.

"I'm a little disturbed you named one of my replicas Drake Junior."

"Trust me, it's better than her friend that's named after you that she needs to inflate." says Istu, seeming to shiver.

"Needs to inflate...?" Drake asks.

"You wouldn't understand," Istu says dismissively, grabbing Arafalas and walking back towards the house.

"Oooookay..." Drake says, looking back as the Cadian ignites the engines to the Valkyrie.

"Icera, please!" protests Ezra

"Ezra. I already told you, our relationship is forbidden." says the Sister of Battle, "And the last time I had to stomp the hell out of you for going too far, you almost fell to Slaanesh!" she huffs, turning to leave, taking one of Drake's replicas, "We'll just have to lie about the whole thing." She quickly gets in the Valkyrie just as it takes off, flying up into the atmosphere. As they leave, another Baneblade falls out of the sky, Drake side-steps it at the last minute.

"WE HAS TO GO SHOPPIN! ORKS DON'T SHOP! WE CHOP!" grumbles McCarrick, foreshadowing the next chapter. 


	6. Chapter 6

It's All In the (Chaotic) Family 6 By: Vyce Dryke, 2010

Thought of the day: "While vile inbalances still draw breath, there can be no silence. While obscene fluff heresies' hearts still beat, there can be no calmth. While faithless OPs still live, there can be no rationality." - Catechism of Hate Verse I of XXV

"I don't do shopping," states Lord Drake, fuming, "I don't like shopping Sam I am, I don't like green eggs and ham."

Istu sighs, "Well according to whoever runs this show, we're doing some sort of shopping challenge."

"And what does green eggs and ham have to do with anything?" asks Ezra, suspicious.

"I don't know, It's on this list thing, as well as something about teams." says Istu, looking over the list.

"Teams? Is don't do teams. Deres not enuff smashin!" complains McCarrick

Istu hmms, "Well according to this message from the producers, were to be two diffrent teams and take on a supermarket.."

"What Supermarket? There's nothing around for miles. I already looked," huffed Ezra, walking up to Istu, "Let me look at that."

Istu holds the list over Ezra's head, out of his reach, "So okay, here are the teams. Team One is Drake, Iggy, McCarrick, and Sawblade. Group Two is Ezra, Arafalas, Mont'au, and myself."

"Well this brings me to a very important question," says Sawblade finally, "And one Ezra already asked.. where is the mall?"

"Alright you primitive screwheads!" comes a voice form off-camera, as a man in powered armor comes into view, "The producers want no more delaying."\

"And... Who the hell are you?" asks Istu with a sigh.

"The name's Ash, I'm from housewares." says the man simply, revving his chainsword, "We're going to the only place worthwhile. S-Mart!"

"But..." Istu protests, as Ash from Housewares starts walking, and a S-Mart appears from nowhere.

"How...?" Ezra asks, staring.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," Ash says, cleaning a shotgun.

"This obviously must be a Daemon World of some sort," Arafalas says with glee, "I'd like a waffle sundae." says the female Dark Eldar, and nothing happens, "Strawberry Parfait? Dead Space Marines?" she grumbles, "Guess not."

"Daemon World Schaemon World," Drake says, stalking after Ash, "This should be easier than I thought..."

Later...

"Quick! They're about to leave the Aisle and win at checkout!" Sawblade yells, looking at the other team.

"We'd be ahead of them if you weren't eating all of the food!" shouts McCarrick, knocking the shopping cart over.

"I have an idea!" Lord Drake says, suddenly.

"That can't be good for anyone..." quips the Hive Tyrant.

"I can use my new special ability. CULTIST SPAM!" Drake says, striking a pose.

"My Lord, I think it's called heretic spam. They're called Heretics in Dawn of War 2." Iggy drones.

"Whatever, Cultists, Heretics? What's the difference? They both worship me and they're still cannon fodder. BEHOLD! SPAM!" shouts Drake.

Up in orbit, The Battleship Dragon's Courage looms (Lord Drake wasn't very original when naming his favorite warships)

"You heard the man," Redfang says, tapping his armored boot on the floor of the deck, the Chaos Champion glaring down at his Cultist subordinate. He was tasked here to watch and ensure Lord Drake's safety, by order of death from the High Sorcerer Tlanextic. In exchange he was given command over the Dragon's Courage until this whole reality TV business was over, as Dragonspit was needed on the front to stamp out the rest of the surprisingly strong Imperial Resistance. While at the same time fending off the other Legions and Warbands.

The cultist sighs, pushing a button and screams and complaints were herd throughout the ship at the Cultists onboard were taken from their rooms, the various locations, and even the fighting arena, and as many were crammed as possible into Metal Boxes and fired from the ship like ordinance.

"Ah... Their screams are music to my ears. Today I'll climb the ranks, do my duty and assassinate command and rule over Black Draconis!" he says quickly, causing the same Cultist to look up at him fearfully, "The only problem is that accursed dragon..."

"Who is always watching..." comes a reptilian hiss from the shadow, then there was nothing but cries for help.

Meanwhile, back at S-Mart

"See? This isn't so bad Ezra." Arafalas says calmly, dropping their next item (flashlight batteries!) into the shopping cart.

"I suppose," Ezra says, the Space Marine fuming with his gloved hand over the small cart that was obviously not made for a Space Marine to use. Istu is being used to grab the higher shelf items, and suddenly Mont'au comes around the corner, yelling.

"TAKE COVER!" Mont'au shouts as drop pods crash through the roof of the S-Mart, causing items to fall off the shelf and crash. The drop pods completely disintegrate and piles of Cultists seemingly appear everywhere.

"Oh no! It's the dreaded Cultist spam! It's Overpowered! There's nothing we can do against a single unit type!" Arafalas says, eyes wide as cultists start to swarm the aisles and S-Mart, "Head for the hills! Rage quit! Drop hack! We're doomed!"

"Wait.. this wasn't planned..." hisses Lord Drake, "You fools aren't supposed to be trying to kill ME too. I'll have whoever is in charge of this flayed." he jams a toothpick in a cultist's arm, and it snivels and explodes in a shower of gore, "Huh, what are these, Rhuemwight clones?"

"More like Fan Service," Iggy comments dryly, flaying a nearby cultist, Sawblade scything through Cultists while humming 'Nidsmas' songs.

"Wot.. wait a tic, whys you humming Nidmas songs? It's not Nidmas anymore!" McCarrick notices suddely, suspiciously eying Sawblade.

"Your smart for an Ork," Sawblade says, amused while lopping off heads, "You see. It's Nidmas somewhere, so then Nidsmas songs are -always- appropriate! SING WITH ME!"

Dashing through the aisles Slaying to and fro O'er the bodies we go Slaying all the way,  
Rippers trailing behind Making spirits bright What fun it is to slay and sing And om nom nom tonight!

"Ah.. It's beautiful, brings a tear to my eyes," Sawblade says, with McCarrick groaning, "And it makes me hungry."

"Did I just hear... Singing?" Istu asks, canting his 'head' to the side.

"I expected no better form that worm..." Ezra says, bodies piling up around the four of them, "At least the fool's plan backfired!"

"I've made a hole!" Mont'au exclaims, Arafalas cackling in the background with a Tau Rail gun, blasting and smashing apart Cultists.

"Let's MOVE!" Ezra commands, taking the shopping cart with their last item across a sea of cultist hordes, which for some reason were multiplying over and over. There couldn't possibly be THAT many.

"Where the hell are they all coming from?" Istu asks, now for some reason having a retinue of Wraithguard, destroying Cultists here and there before eventually being too tied up in Melee to do anything useful. It's rather impossible to do anything against overpowered cultist spam, not even countering spam with spam! Surely the much more robust AI will know what to do!

They make it to the checkout lane, but find their final obstacle!

"Why herro there," Ulkair the Great Unclean One says.

"Hey. Your not following inside joke number 56! Daemons of Nurgle can only say Nurgle." Istu says, brandishing 'The Hitchhikers Guide to the Lord Drake Misadventures Universe'

"Werr, you see I don't forrow your sirry rures." Ulkair says smugly

"What?" Asks Ezra, blinking

"I said I don't forrow your sirry rures!" repeats the Greater Daemon, irritated

"I'm sorry, I don't speak stereotypical Asian," says Istu unflinchingly.

The Daemon rolls his eyes "Nurgle!"

"Much better." Istu says with a nod, putting away the guide.

Ulkair cackles "So all you need to do is get past me... AND I'M BUGGED. HAHAAHAH-"

"Not if I can do anything about it," rumbles a mighty voice, and a Giant Space Marine stomps into the room, carrying a powerful thunderhammer, crackling with energy

"It can't be!" Ezra says

"Thunder?" McCarrick asks, bewildered

"Thunder!" Iggy says.

"Thundercats.. HOOOOO!" Lord Drake finishes, and he gets whacked by both the Hive Tyrant and the Warboss. There's an awkward silence as all gathered stare at Lord Drake, "What? I thought we were LARPing Thundercats."

"...Yes! It is I. Now lets get down to business. Have at thee!" says Thunder the forum admin, "And I carry the full authority of Relic Entertainment!"

"Aren't we breaking the fourth wall again?" Sawblade complains.

"When do we NOT break the fourth wall?" Istu says plainly

"Touche." the Tyrant comments

"I bring with me my mighty Thunderhammer, imbued with the power of Patch 2.2! Prepare to be nerfed fiend!" says Thunder, lunging

"No! My only weakness!" Ulkair wails, and with a mighty smash of his Thunderhammer, the Unclean One is no more.

"And that's how we do things in this town," Thunder says with a nod, immediatly turning and walking away.

"That was convenient..." Istu says with a sigh.

"I WIN!" growls Drake.

"How?" Mont'au asks, using the self-service lane, pushing the cart across to Team Two's victory.

"My cultists were here!" counters Drake

"Your cultists tried to kill you." Mont'au points out

"And still are," drones Iggy, pointing out the Cultist horde in S-mart.

Lord Drake shrugs, "I'm sure things will sort themselves out."

The two teams start to leave the building, team two receiving their victory, while team one receives nothing for a week.

Epilogue

The cultist horde still infests the now vanishing S-Mart, moving to a new location elsewhere.

"Alright," grunts Ash from Housewares, "I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of gum." he leaps on top of a shelf, brandishing his shotgun and starts firing away. 


	7. Chapter 7

It's All In the (Chaotic) Family 7 By: Vyce Dryke, 2010

We join our... Heroes? Cast Members? Potential Victims? As they are already fighting off a horde of zombies.

"You know. These zombies are missing something. Some sort of flair, some sort of..." Arafalas growls, kicking away a Zombie, "I'm not food you loony zombies!"

"Of course not, they'd starve." Iggy says flatly.

"Did that Necron make a joke?" Ezra asks, blinking.

"Are you implying something tinman?" Arafalas asks.

Istu sighs, blasting a zombie away at range, "I just cleaned the front lawn of blood yesterday, and then this planet has a random zombie apocalypse!" he bats away another zombie with ease.

"I'm sure if that DRAGON was here he'd just scorch them to hell, since he plays that zombie game all the time." Iggy says with a snort.

"I.." Lord Drake chainaxes another zombie, "Dont.." he stabs again, "Need the dragon!"

"Say, don't these guys look like cultists?" Ezra asks curiously, "Not that it'd make me want to kill them less."

Drake grabs a zombie, staring at it. It hisses, clothing tattered, although the colors looked familiar. Sawblade hacks it's head off, and Drake frowns, "I was looking at him!"

"There's plenty more where he came from. And these guys taste terrible, I'm not going to eat them personally when the Hive Fleet shows up." Sawblade says

"Right, next millennia?" snorts Drake, "My forces have come and left. And then came back again. And now they're back as zombies. THEY'RE ETERNAL!"

"Whatever, have you seen my hat? I think one of the zombies stole it." Sawblade asks, slicing another group into pieces.

"What's so important about a hat?" Drake asks, arching an eyebrow.

"It's about as important as your toaster." Sawblade says plainly.

"It holds the soul of Daemon Prince David Bowie captive?" The Chaos Lord asks, looking surprised.

Sawblade huffs, "No, that'd be ridiculous. It's as important to me as your toaster is important to you."

"But my Toaster is now important because it can grant me limitless power." Drake insists "Sentimental value?" Sawblade asks

"Well, it was a gift from my father. I didn't know why he gave it to me, but whatever."

"Your 'Father' is a dead space marine, how could he give you a toaster after you've fallen?"

"Excellent question," Drake notes, "Too bad I don't care."

"So, does that mean your hat is the source of your Hive Tyrant power?" Itsu asks

"Don't be silly, it's just a hat." Sawblade says with a growl, taking his frustration out on the zombie horde.

Ezra suddenly shouts over the zombie noises "What the hell is that xenos filth doing?"

"Which Xenos filth, you need to be more specific." Monat'au points out, having come of no-where in a Fire Warrior suit, which for some reason allowed him to have both a railgun and stealth technology.

"But you're all the same!" Ezra protests, "But the Ork 'Inqusitor' over there."

While mid-fighting, they all turn to look at the Cybork Inquisitor, who has climbed onto the roof of the besieged building.

"I think he's..." starts Itsu, sounding surprised, just before the Ork yells and leaps off the building, diving into the crowd of zombies.

"Fank youz undead boyz, youz bin a great audeeyints. Iz 'ere 'til fursday." shouts the Warboss, walking back up to the building to do it again, "WAAAAAAAAGH!"

"If Tlanextic was here I bet he'd facepalm." Drake said with a grin, "I haven't seen a good facepalm in ages."

"Why would we have zombie apocalypse anyway?" Istu asks curiosly, forgetting the insanity for a short moment, "I'm sure Nurgle would know well enough this would be easy."

"Unless they're distracting us for something super special awesome." Drake ponders

"Hardly." snorts Ezra.

"Actually..." comes a booming narrative-sounding voice, "We've been.. busy.."

"What in the nine hells..." mumbles Drake, not knowing what the hell 'nine hells' was.

"We've not been busy you moron." gruffs another voice, "We could have done this hours ago."

"Silence knave! He doesn't know what he's talking about." comes the first voice.

The two voices came from two cloaked figures the zombies were ignoring, coming into view. They didn't seem much, more liked hooded monks with not heavy designs on their clothing, hiding what was withing.

"You only did it because it was more fun to watch them with the zombies," retorts the second voice

"Silence!" snaps the first.

"And now, thanks to you, they know we exist." says the second

"Silence! Or I'll introduce you to the All-devouring Pigeon of the Lost Temple!" growls the first

"Is that better or worse than the Barbequed Fire Chihuahua of the Moon?" snickers the first.

"No, it's the Dread Tea Demon!" hisses the first.

"Oh no. Anything but Tea Demons," snickers the second.

The seven gathered stare on at the two figures, only Itsu walks up, "Who are you?

"I will not reveal that to you! It's secret." hisses the first

"That's Bonebrood The Cunning." says the second, smirking

"His name isn't very cunning." whispers Drake.

"You fool! You revealed my name!" growls Bonebrood.

"So?" snorts the second.

"Slycraft the Berserker Fishmongerer, I told you. We were not to reveal our names!" Bonebrood says angrily.

Slycraft rolls his eyes, "You just revealed my name..."

"It's only fair." comes the first.

"Now what the devil do you two morons want?" Drake asks, walking up to the two of them now.

Bonebrood strikes a pose, "We're part of a fanatic cult, whose name is secret, so that nobody will expect it."

"That sounds dangerously close to a age-worn joke." sighs Istu.

"It's funny if used right," Slycraft says reassuredly, "Observe. NOBODY EXPECTS THE BANK OF AUGUSTA!"

Bonebrood sighs "That's not the name we agreed on..."

"I know." Slycraft says smugly.

"We're the fanatical cult Fantastic Archmagicians!"

"I hate that name." mutters Slycraft.

"Silence, it's an awesome name, you just don't appreciate it," muses Bonebrood.

"Right, do you mind taking your cult and your zombies elsewhere?" Sawblade starts, snapping his jaw."

"Iz seyz wee ignore theez gits." McCarrick says, agreeing.

"You can't ignore us!" Bonebrood says, suddenly pointing to Sawblade, "We have your hat!"

There is a collective gasp, before anyone can blink Sawblade has the man pinned to the ground, "Give. Me. My. Hat." growls Sawblade.

Bonebrood smirks, "You can't have it unless you can defeat our greatest demons!"

"Bonebrood, let them be my demons, please." begs Slycraft

"No! Mine are ALWAYS superior." insists Bonebrood, starting to glow. During this time, the Zombies were crowding in a circle around the group, blocking off any exit to anyone but the two... whatever they were, "There will be seven demons, no more, no less. They will test you or defeat you. if you survive, you get your hat back. If not. Your hat will be thrown into the fires of Mt. Not Very Doomed!"

"You bastard!" shouts Sawblade.

"Behold, and be amazed Slycraft, the first of my demons!" exclaims Bonebrood, a creature coming forth from a warp portal appearing in the sky, and out falls what looks like a multi-headed hydra. Except this one looks like it's seen better days, a cup in one mouth and a sign in the other. The sign reading 'Help, Ninjas killed my family, who was working with the children's foundation made possible by viewers like you'. "The Panhandling Hydra!"

"How can we possibly defeat this beast!" Drake asks, looking shocked and revving his chainaxes.

McCarrick walks up to the Hydra, who looked up at him pitifully, "Does youz needz some teef skaeld wun?"

While McCarrick drops the teef in the cup, nothing happens. The Ork shrugs and walks away.

"So do we defeat it by giving it money, or by ignoring it and not giving it money?" Istu ponders

"Who cares? TEAR IT IN HALF!" Drake jumps, then stops when he sees something, "MY TOASTER!"

"Your toaster will be harmed unless you step back and I explain a rule. The first person to approach the beast accepts the challenge, and then none else can do it. And when the challenge is accepted once, that person cannot accept a second time."

"Soz ah duzint giv' him th' teeth yet?" blinks the Ork, walking back to the Hydra, "So den whut doez ah do?" The Hydra looks up at him again, pathetically. The Ork Warboss Inquisitor ponders this, "ah muss hafta smash him den!" The Ork produces his axe, and proceeds to hack off the heads of the Hydra.

"No you idiot! It's a Hydra, it'll grow more heads to beg with!" Itsu yells.

"Wot, but smashin' alwayz werkz!" says the Ork.

"Smash him in the right place... Like, his sign and that cups."

"WAAAAAGH!" Bellows the Ork, breaking the Hydra's sign and his begging cups, and the monster hisses and fades away.

"NO! My precious Panhandling Hydra!" whines Bonebrood, "You cannot defeat this next one! BEHOLD!" Another creature appears through the portal, "The Ephemeral Milkshake Guardian!"

The creature, or whatever it is, stands in front of a milkshake on a pedestal. Mont'au already vanishes, and then so does the milkshake. The Tau appears again behind the large ork, sipping the milkshake.

"That was, as you say gue'la, too easy." says the Fire Warrior, sounding like he was smirking."

"The Stinky Skeleton!" shouts Bonebrood

"Behold! THE EMPEORER's HOLY SOAP ON A ROPE!" exclaims Ezra, tackling the skeleton and cleaning it off, making it shiny and clean like new. The Skeleton explodes.

"The Belch Nightmare of the Parking Lot!" Bonebrood yells

"Parking ticket!" answers Itsu.

"The Succubus Sheep!" Bonebrood says, looking confused.

Arafalas steps forward "I can handle this one. Sheep tiedown position number 893!"

"...You have written positions for sheep?" Istu asks, arching one of his 'eyes', having managed to make some sort of device to make the sharpie permanent marker eyes move.

"Yes, but I blame Naso. Good thing we left." Arafalas says, wrestling down the curvy sheep.

"But I thought Corrack and the Angels of Ecstasy were part of the Cult of Naso?"

"We support it, but we've broken from it after a horrible sheep accident involving sh-" starts Arafalas

"I don't want to know!" Ezra says, covering his ears.

Bonebrood starts to summon again, "No time for that! It's the Ghost of the Recycling Bin!"

"Ctrl, Alt, Delete." drones the necron, grabbing the nearest Windows 7 computer and clearing the recycle bin, "Oh no! Blue Screen of Death."

"Hahaha, can't win so easily." taunts the Ghost.

"It's okay. You're only in my computer. Time for a reformat!" snickers Iggy

"Nooooo! I'll just move to a Mac computer." cackles the Ghost

"That's fine. it's not compatible with you." Iggy says with a shrug.

"What? Noooo!" shouts the Ghost, dispelled by the Dark Masters of Apple.

"Hah. The Vanilla Demon!" Bonebrood says, starting to sound desperate

"Is that like Vanilla Ice?" Drake asks curiosly

"How in the hell do we defeat Vanilla Ice?" Ezra ponders, "Oh! I know. That one guy from Dawn of War 2."

"The nameless man in DoW2?" Itsu queries.

v"That Force Commander or whatever." Ezra says.

"Why doesn't he have a name?" The Chaos Lord asks.

Itsu blinks with his marker-eyes, "I don't know. Maybe we've never played it."

"I have!" Sawblade roars, bringing in the nameless Force Commander, and Vanilla Ice defeats the Vanilla Demon.

"And all that leaves it the Chaos Lord. Excellent." Says the first cultist, rubbing his hands together.

"Why are you pleased Bonebrood?" Slycraft asks curiosly, "surely he can dispatch even your last one."

"Because I have discovered his very weakness! Behold, I summon Michael Jackson!" Boneblade cackles

Michael Jackson, who is now a Necron, appears!

"Now who in the what in the where?" Jackson asks, looking confused.

"No! It cannot be! How did you know?" Drake says in horror.

"Why, everyone knows now. Watching this show is mandatory. You commented on your weakness, I heard it, we ALL heard it." Slycraft smirks.

"But I have plot armor." protests Drake

"Michael Jackson doesn't care about plot armor." Bonebrood says, cackling more as Necron Jackson walks towards Drake.

"Uhm. Bonebrood. Haven't you forgotten something?" Slycraft asks.

"No?"

"Doens't he need a musical number? And can't Necrons not sing?" Slycraft points out

"Shut up you moron!"

"That's music to my ears friend..."

"I think it's time for a new tactic I call, the double deuce." says Drake, chainaxes roaring as he pressed them against the sockets of the Necron Pop Prince, and there is a loud shriking noise, and the already plastic surgeonized Necron Lord falls into pieces, and immediately phases away, "I have faced my weakness! And live to tell the tale."

"And here is the hat, as promised. The toaster however, remains ours." snickers Slycraft, tossing the top hat over to Lord Drake, "Goodbye fools! The ower of David Bowie is ours!"

Both cultists vanish into nothing, and so does the zombie horde.

Itsu blinks, looking over to Drake, "But I thought you already vanquished Bowie? And that Bowie was Sindri?"

"I uh.. didn't have the heart to tell him," Drake says with a smile...

They all start laughing, and the rolling camera fades to black. 


	8. Chapter 8

It's All In the (Chaotic) Family 8 By: Vyce Dryke, 2010

A hungry psychic eye roved the subsector, looking for traces of it's prey, the soul-less beast that controlled the eyes darted it to and fro, hissing and snapping his teeth in the air, it's massive frame and impressive wingspan nearly taking up the room it was in, chittering as it searched.. and searched.. and then it found it, suddenly, the entire fleet knew, and the monsters screeched out loudly, and then a large club-like appendage smacked the winged creature, and it winced.

"Moooooom!" hisses the Hive Tyrant, whipping around and glaring at the Dominatrix behind it, the literal heart of the Tyranid fleet.

"Keep it down. I'm TRYING to sleep." grumbles the massive beast, retracing it's arm.

"But mother. We're excited, can't you feel it?" complains the Tyrant

"All this excitement about some scrap of paper from this place called Terra offering coupons for this.. this.. Papa Johns. And so we gather our segment of the great fleet of the Hive Mind, and head out to find it in this miserable sector where we've ALREADY sent the Hive Mind's minions." the Dominatrix huffs, glaring at the smaller Hive Tyrant, "I tried to object, but you know how excited the Hive Fleet back home gets at the mention of food, even better if it's free."

The Winged Tyranid ponders this, "Mom, I have a question. If we're controlled by the Hive Mind, how do we have free will?"

"Well my dearest Thabharudaz," it says, noticing the Hive Tyrant wince at the name, "The Hive Mind has Psychosis and it likes to talk to itself because it doesn't have company."

"That explains everything," grumbles Thabharudaz, "And I hate that name, you know everyone calls me Daz, should I start calling you Roxana again?"

The Dominatrix hisses, "Just wait until your father hears about this."

"He isn't even here, does it even matter?" grumbles the Tyrant, folding it's wings, "Look we're almost there, we can talk about this later."

"We'll talk... later..." grumbles the Dominatrix.

Elsewhere...

"So you mean I'm going about this the wrong way?" Iggy asks, reading a dataslate next to the pool, Arafalas looking over his should.

"Of course. Just because you've been embaressed in the eyes of the Void Dragon by Lord Drake doens't mean you can't take revenge on him by killing him. The Voide Dragon would be pleased!"

"Oh. So that's what this is about.." the Necron Lord says flatly, "Ar you sure you're only trying to help me so you can get Lord Drake killed without Lord Corrack knowing you did it. They are close allies, so I hear."

Arafalas glares, "That's completly unrealted to this situation."

"Completly related." insists Iggy

"What's it matter?" Arafalas scoffs "What are you reading anyway?"

"Mormota's guide to being a Necron lord," states Iggy.

"Not that I'm an expert on the Necron language, but is that upside down?

"That's not possible. I should know the diff-" starts the Necron Lord, before Arafalas interrupts by flipping the dataslate over, "Oh... Ohhhh... It all makes sense now."

"You're hopeless..." grumbles Arafalas, walking away.

"I HEAR THEM!" shouts Sawblade, walking out of the house, "THEY'RE COMING!"

"That's what you said last time," Ezra says, not looking up from his book titled 'The EMPRA and you: What to do now that we've FEHLED THE EMRPA!'.

"This time is different." insists Sawblade, towering over the sitting Space Marine.

"You said that last time too." sighs Ezra

"I'm serious!" hisses the Hive Tyant.

"Maybe his Antenna is out of whack." Arafalas says with a smirk, walking up to the Tyranid and the Space Marie, "I could do some maintenance on him."

"ANTENNA! For the love of the dark gods and Khorne's unholy space boots I'd murder a few planets just for some BASIC CABLE" Lord Drake growls, "I can't get ANYTHING on Satellite."

"That's because you blew it up when we got here in the first place you moron." Ezra says, looking up, "I told you we should have gotten Comcast."

"No! It has to be something else. Even in the grim darkness of the far future ANYTHING is better than Comcast." growls Lord Drake, climbing onto the roof of the house, inspecting the satellite dish that was full of holes, "Maybe I should hit it harder. That always seems to work." the Chaos Lord hits it a few times, making louder noises "Curses! I knew we should have gone with DirectTV instead of DishNetwork!"

"We could still call Comcast." Ezra says, putting his book down.

"We can't! I DESTROYED THEM! You know why Horus left? He was sick of COMCAST! You know why Boreale Failed? COMCAST. The Imperium? COMCAST!" Drake hisses and spits, tearing the satellite dish apart, smashing it into tiny pieces, then sets the pieces on fire, and then starts to eat them.

"Drake.. I don't thin-" Ezra starts.

"Silence! I'll gain the power of the satellite dish!" growls Drake, munching on satellite dish pieces.

"Dra-" Ezra start.

"Don't bother. It's a lost cause..." Arafalas says with a smirk, placing her hand on Ezra's shoulder, "Maybe you should just kill him."

Ezra pushes Arafala's hand off of him, "And be annihilated from orbit? I'll pass."

Arafalas huffs, "How come nobody wants to help me kill Lord Drake? Not the failure of a Necron Lord, not the Hive Tyrant, not the Space Marine, not the Tau, Ork, or that Eldar. What do I have to do to kill a Chaos Lord around here?" the Dark Eldar stalks off, going back into the house.

Drake stares upwards "So does anyone know why the sky is going dark? Did someone change the channel on the sky?"

"Huh?" Itsu asks, looking upwards.

"If so, I want the remote. I'll set it to warp storm or something hideous... like supernova or black hole. Is there a setting for the Eye of Terror?"

"Silence you fool! The Hive Fleet I was always talking about is here!" Sawblade exclaims

"You do know the producers set up orbital defenses and one on the ground right?"

"I've seen no such thing..." Sawblade says suspiciously, looking around.

Suddenly the ground shakes and the entire house is lifted, lawn and all behind the gathered warriors, slowly revealing a massive bombardment cannon. It swivels upwards, taking the house with it, aiming at a growing silhouette in the sky. It fires, and knocks everything over in the house and the immediate vicinity, and eventually slams into the silhouette.

Lord Drake stares at the cannon as it retracts, "WAIT! COME BACK! I LOVE YOU!" the gun slams back into place into the ground, and the Chaos Lord digs furiously at the ground. He's too distracted to notice as a Hive Ship falls from the sky and crashes behind the house.

"They send only a SINGLE Hive Ship? That cannot be... Unless..." Sawblade starts, walking towards the fallen beast as the others follow from behind, heavily armed.

"Mooooooom!" comes the whine of a Hive Tyrant.

"How was I supposed to know there was a giant cannon?" the Dominatrix hisses, "I told you we should have sent Genestealers, but you never listen."

"There was never any giant cannons shown on the show before!" protested the Hive Tyrant.

Sawblade stares "Oh no. Not them."

"Them?" Istu inquires.

"Thabharudaz dear, why does that Hive Tyrant look familiar?" the Dominatrix asked.

"Mother! Daz! D-A-Z. Got it memorized?" the Hive Tyrant complains, looking over to Sawblade. "I don't know, they all look the same to me."

"I think it was.. what was it. Nidsexmis? Mardi Gras? Last weeks fiesta?" the dominatrix continues to ponder.

"Them. I think this is the blundering Hive Fleet Bahamut." Sawblade says, not amused as he adjusts his monocle and top hat.

"Oh well no matter. The invasion seems to have failed already. We -really- should call a Tyranid Cab. They're around here somewhere." sighs the Dominatrix

"We can't just give up!" complains Daz

"I just did." says the large Tyranid, looking to Sawblade again, "Do I know you?"

"Of course you do, we're all part of the same Hive Mind." the Dominatrix says

Sawblade snort, "No we're not. You got separated from us ages ago. I'm surprised they're even letting you anywhere NEAR the galactic plane."

"What?" squeaks Daz

Iggy sneaks up on the Dominatrix.

"Was I married to you?" Asks the Dominatrix

"No. Tyranids don't marry remember?" Daz says

"I could have sworn..." the large Tyranid says

Daz rolls his eyes, "Mother, I told you not to eat the TV Satellite on the way in."

"HAH! I TOLD YOU!" Drake hisses, covered in dirt, "It's possible to eat the Satellite and then suddenly have TV. But it's all soap operas!"

"So you mean the show about the independent, morally upright feminist, who is always dressed garishly in designer wedding wear Who is shocked to find her vengeful sister-in-law plotting to kill her with a random relative who wants her out of the picture. And then the concerned daughter intervenes to save her mother's honour. But, Alas! In all the moral sermoning and the ensuing chaos, her husband falls over a cliff and his body is never found?" asks the Dominatrix.

"All that without breathing." Itsu says, tilting his bulbous head.

"I must know your secrets!" demands Drake, single-handedly tackling the Dominatrix, only ending up being dangled by a claw.

"I had to miss the season finale because somebody had to record 'Genestealers Gone Wild' over my soaps!" snaps the Dominatrix, "Who is this little morsel?" the Dominatrix asks, inspecting Drake, "And does he know what happens after Noah operates on Laughlin? When Rex retaliates against the detective while driving? And when Charlie impersonates Cade?"

"No?" offers Drake, dangling still.

"Mother!" hisses Daz

"Lovely, first we have the motley crew of misfits and now we have a Tyranid obsessed with Soap operas." sighs Itsu

"I MUST KNOW!" snaps the Dominatrix.

"So does anyone know what this button does?" drones Iggy, prodding a pedestal with his gauss flayer.

"Does it say anything?" ask Istu, walking over to the Necron Lord.

"Duex Ex Machina? Does that mean anything to you?" Iggy asks, looking up at the Wraithlord.

"Can somebody let me down? I need to call to replace the satellite dish, and then the satellite." Drake dangles more, crossing his arms and grumbling.

"I don't think you should touch the button." Istu warns.

"I think we should! I -love- buttons." yells Drake, batting at the large Tyranid.

Iggy shrugs, "I'm a Necron. I'm eternal. Even if the entire planet explodes I'll be transported back to the nearest Monotlith and restored." he pushes the button, sirens pop out of the ground all over and alarms sound.

"Warning. Warning. Duex Ex Machine activated. Please state the nature of the plot emergency." drones a electronic voice from nowhere and everywhere at once.

"What the hell? I think I've heard of this.." Istu says, pulling out a dusty book from the webway.

"Where's that from?" Ezra asks, walking over.

"It's from the Black Library." the Eldar says, amusement in his voice.

"I thought that was impossible to find!" protests the Space Marine.

Itsu snorts, "You can't find it unless you already know where it is."

"But then how could you find it in the first place?" Ezra asks

"Trade Secret." the marker face on Istu's winks.

"How did you do that?" asks Lord Drake.

"That's also a Trade Secret." Istu chuckles, "Anyway. This appears to be some sort of device that bends time and space to come about a resolution to a situation. It's supposed to be retconned" the Eldar grumbles, digging around for his retcon cannon 6000 extreme with pump action and an optional squat motion tracking system.

"Warning. Warning. Duex Ex Machine activated. Please state the nature of the plot emergency." repeats the voice.

Arafalas groans "You're all idiots. Okay whatever-you-are. Hive Fleet Bahamut is here. We don't have the means to destroy it"

"Target Hive Fleet Bahamut. Buh-bye!" intones the voice.

"What?" Daz asks as the ground below the Tyranid Dominatrix explodes outwards with the power of a spring-loaded pink Baneblade. She sails into Orbit, being caught by a newer Hive Ship, "Mom!"

"Target, Daz. Hive Tyrant. Executing." says Duex Ex Machina

"I can survive in space!" Daz growls, "I''l be back you know."

"Destination: China. Buh-bye." says the device

"What?" the Hive Tyrant asks, blinking, "What is this.. China?"

A trap door opens beneath the Hive Tyrant, leading to... China? the Hive Tyrant yells as he falls, and suddenly loud yelling is heard.

"Who the hell are you?" Daz is heard.

"I'm a Merchant." comes one female voice

"More like a thief." says anothor as the trap door shuts.

"Duex Ex completed, has a ni-" the electronic voice intones.

"Prepare to be retconned!" Istu fires the Retcon cannon and the device literally vanishes.

"Maybe you should have waited to do that.." notes Ezra, as the various trap doors, hiding spots for the Baneblade, and all sorts of holes all over the place reveal themselves.

"For the love of..." Itsu grumbles, "It'll take forever to file the paperwork to get it back! I think we need to start filling holes here."

"You know.. If Corrack was here.. He'd say.." Drake starts, sitting on the ground.

"Shut up!" everyone else shouts.

"So who was she anyway?" Arafalas asks Sawblade.

"I think that's my ex-wife..." Sawblade responds, staring upwards, "But I don't even have an ex-wife..." 


	9. Chapter 9

It's All In the (Chaotic) Family 9 By: Vyce Dryke, 2010

A Misadventures Special

Location: Subsector Aurelia, Planet Aurelia

Two Warlocks and a Wraithlord are standing around a group of what looks like frozen over Wraithguard.

Idranel: Hurry up now, the Blood Ravens will be here any second.  
Dorageih: You know Farseer, ever since we revived you as a Wraithlord, you've been pretty bossy.  
Idranel: Silence Warlock, you know it's important for us to bring in the most broken unit ever in Dawn of War 2.  
Dorageih: There you go about Dawn of War 2 again, like we're all in some sort of game. You've been talking like this since we brought you back. Maybe we should put you down.  
Uconitr: Or maybe you should stop whining and start reviving some Wraithguard.  
Dorageih: And what's our crazy plan this time Farseer? We could have left this secotr or worls alone and still moved our craftworld our of the way of the Tyranid invasion. Do you consider the Orks more of a problem?  
Idranel: You should listen to Uconitr Dorageih. Get back to work, we need them back.  
Dorageih: We're at the point where we have to wait, we broke a few soulstones, let's hope Slaanesh didn't get it.  
Vyce: Eldar souls are the most delicious, they taste like Captain Crunch, or was that chocolate smores? Pizza?  
Idranel: What are you doing here foul beat of Chaos?  
Vyce: Me? I'm simply finding Wraithlords to doodle on. I saw Lord Drake do something similar and I've made it a hobby ever since.

Vyce waggles the permanent marker in her Slaaneshi dragonhand.

Vyce: But then I got distracted by Eldar souls floating around, and I just had to have a few. They were lost and confused, wondering why Eldar would break soulstones.  
Idranel: It's a abhorrent act, but it must be done. Besides, what are you doing here?  
Vyce: Because I can? I heard something in the rumor mill in the warp that they were spitting a planet back into realspace. Of course I had to be here to see it for myself.  
Dorageih: Foul beast of the great serpent. Be gone with you, you have no business here.  
Vyce: Minions of Slaanesh go where they please.

A few squads of Blood Ravens step to the top of the icy clearing.

Tarkus: Commander! The Eldar are over here, I think this is what they're looking for.  
Jonas: Excellent Commander, if it weren't for you we couldn't have found this place.  
Commander: ...  
Jonas: Yes I know it's a linear path to the Eldar base.  
Commander: ...  
Jonas: I don't know what they're up to. Wait. I sense something foul.  
Thaddeus: Token Black L-... I mean Jonas, why didn't you sense it before.  
Vyce: Is that.. Is that Vanilla Ice?

The Chaos Dragon makes a few leaps and lands near the Space Marines.

Tarkus: Who is Vanilla Ice?  
Commander: ...  
Thaddeus: I was wondering where you got the idea for that terrible haircut Commander: ...  
Jonas: Ice ice baby?  
Vyce: Oooh. It looks like the Blood Ravens. The heroes of Tartarus, the victors of Winter Assault, The champions of Kronus and the fools from Kaurava who hide in metal boxes.  
Commander: ...  
Vyce: Yes. Metal boxes. Everyone knows that Blood Ravens always hide in metal boxes.  
Commander: ...  
Vyce: Yes. I too wish that Soulstorm never happened.  
Cyrus: Well you didn't have to work under Boreale, that man was a mess.  
Tarkus: I'm sure Avitus would want to strangle to guy who promoted him.  
Jonas: He's so violent I'm surprised he hasn't done anything.. Chaotic.

Suddenly, the ice around the Wraithguard start cracking, and they burst from their icy prison. Firing their Wraithcannons at the assembled Blood Ravens, knocking them over over and over, there was no rea;l escape from the blasts, Vyce barely dodges a few shots herself.

Idranel: Finally! Strike down the fools! I shall have revenge for my death.  
Vyce: Nice meeting you Vanilla Ice! Exit stage right!

Vyce flees, taking a few jumps and then flying off, while the Blood Ravens try to fight off the Wraithguard. Screaming something about nerfing and OP.

Later, on Planet Meridian...

Eliphas: Get ready! The Blood Ravens will be through Angel Gate soon! Prepare for your brothers! I've been waiting a long time for thi-

Eliphas is cut off as the Angel Gate is slammed into a few times, then buckles and shatters, sending shards everywhere, impaling Chaos and Imperial Guard alike. Eliphas stand there as the dust clears, and out stomps a chaos dragon, huffing as she dusts off debris from her armored head.

Eliphas: What in the name of...  
Drake: Hello Eliphas.  
Eliphas: The Black Draconis?  
Drake: Were you expecting someone else?  
Eliphas: Actually.. Yes

Drake walks up to Eliphas and sidehugs.

Drake: So Eliphas? How's the wife and kids?  
Tlanextic: My Lord..  
Drake: Don't interrupt me! You always do that.  
Tlanextic: But...  
Vyce: It's better to stay silent sorcerer.  
Tlanextic: If you think it best. Hello Eliphas.  
Vyce: Hello Eliphas. Rumor had it you were dead.  
Drake: Yeah, I totally saw the footage of you dying to that daemon or whatever. I was so amused by all the blood and gore I had it on loop on every screen on the Dragon's Haste and our fortress on Drache for several weeks.  
Eliphas: That's great... and I don't have a wife and kids.  
Drake: So I heard you were under some other guy.  
Tlanextic: He does seem to be missing his usual armor...  
Eliphas: That's... partially true. Look I really don't have time for this, the Blood Ravens should be here any second now.  
Vyce: We have plenty of time. There's a bunch of Orks outside, said something about more space marines and they were trying to figure out what the hell I was.  
Drake: I had a chat with Araghast, nice guy really. I told him he could come with us anytime, there's more important places then this Blood Raven recruiting world anyway.  
Eliphas: Araghast is.. Wait a minute Drake: Yes?  
Eliphas: You're trying to trick me into revealing my plans!  
Drake: I am?  
Vyce: That's rather high for Lord Drake here.  
Tlanextic: I beat him out in the intelligence department. I'm the brains of the outfit.  
Drake: Brains of the what?  
Tlanextic: There there my Lord, don't get a headache.

Eliphas fumes, a Chaos Dreadnought stomping up behind him, in Black Legion colors.

Dreadnought: My Lord, these are not the Blood Ravens.  
Eliphas: You think I don't know that?  
Dreadnought: My Lord.. This strange.. creature is gnawing on my arm.  
Vyce: Mmm... Corruption.  
Tlanextic: Vyce! Come, we must be going. We have other things to do.  
Drake: I'd give you my autograph, but I'm not famous yet for toppling the Imperium. And even if I was, I'd have you beg for it.  
Eliphas: I do not beg!

The Blood Ravens walk up to Angel Gate, the assembled Space Marines looking towards Drake and company.

Tarkus: It's that accursed dragon again.  
Cyrus: And from the looks of it the thing has friends.  
Commander: ...  
Tarkus: That's Brilliant Advice.  
Avitus: I don't care who or what it is, or who is with them, they're foul chaos followers, we must destroy all of them.  
Eliphas: I was not.. Forget it. Greetings Brothers! It is so good to see you again.  
Commander: ...  
Eliphas: You've never heard of me?  
Cyrus: You expect us to remember everything?  
Eliphas: You're known for it.  
Commander: ...  
Eliphas: I'm sure Thule would remember me! I challenge him to a duel!

There is some loud stomping as a Dreadnought approches.

Thule: Eliphas.  
Eliphas: Thule? You look.. diffrent. DO you wear glasses? Did you get a haircut?  
Thule: I thought you were dead.  
Drake: So did we!  
Thule: Silence... Foul Traitor... I have been interred in a Dreadnought...  
Eliphas: I'll take back that duel offer.

Drake's vox crackles to life.

Drake: What the hell is it Dragonspit?  
Dragonspit: My lord, I'm receiving a message from the warp, some guy named Ulkair. Says we're in his parking space.  
Drake: Did you tell him we don't move for anyone?  
Dragonspit: He did my Lord Drake, but he also said he was in a Space Hulk and politely asked for us to move or he would be forced to force our vessel out of the way.  
Drake: Well tell Ulkair his threats don't scare and I wouldn't move my Desolator Battleship for the Planet killer.  
Dragonspit: I relayed the message sir, and Ulkair politely informed me that we would be crushed if we didn't move.  
Drake: Then tell Ulkair his mother dresses him funny.  
Tlanextic: My Lord, if I may. We should prevent The Dragon's Haste from being crushed, I'd hate to The Dragon's Sadness.  
Drake: Well If we had to repair her again we can go on my new ship, The Dragon's Fury. I think she's a planet killer.  
Vyce: Planet killer class?  
Drake: Yes?  
Vyce: Bye!

Vyce vanishes into a warp portal, Tlanexitc stares at it, dumbfounded.

Tlanextic: Since when did we have a planet killer?  
Drake: I 'borrowed' it from Abbadon.  
Tlanextic: Shouldn't we stop our Slaaneshi friend from destroying the galaxy?  
Drake: I'm sure it'll be fine.  
Tlanextic: We really should be returning to our time.  
Drake: Fine fine. Eliphas!  
Eliphas: I'm a little busy!

Eliphas is leading his troops against the Blood Ravens and is losing

Drake: Well then tell the wife and kids that Uncle Drake wants to destroy them.  
Eliphas: I.. don't have.. a wife or kids!  
Drake: Then tell your boyfriend Araghast that Lord Drake is going to sell his power armor when he's dead in the future.  
Eliphas: What?  
Drake: Nevermind. Come Sorceror! Let's get out of here before Ulkair take his top hatted and monocled self and blows our ship into oblivion.  
Commander: ...  
Cyrus: No I don't know who that is.  
Commander: ...  
Thule: We should be more worried about Eliphas.  
Commander: ...  
Tarkus: You don't look like vanilla ice. 


End file.
